The latest FIFA11 DEV TEAM UPDATE released by EA ended with an extremely teasing cliff-hanger that will leave a lot of cheaters out there quaking in their Adidas F50’s.

On October 25th EA’s update said:

“Of note, I am looking at the leaderboards and, well, some of the top ranked players should expect something to happen to their accounts ASAP… something not nice at all.”

“Something not nice at all”!!! This got me thinking… (I could tell by the dull smell of burning). I can just imagine EA sending out a distress signal to assemble a committee of goons and moderators from around the world for a crisis meeting in some underground bunker in Redwood City. I was thinking, what punishments could they scheme up that could be construed as “Something not nice at all”??? So I put myself in their shoes and came up with my Top 10 Punishments for Leaderboard Cheaters:

  1. Put a minus sign in front of their points

    2. Positives – That way the punishment is directly proportional to the amount that they cheated.

    Negatives – All cheating is bad, whether you do it a lot or just a bit. Are we saying that it’s ok to cheat a little bit or should all cheaters be treated equally?

  2. They should all be given the Gamerface of Thiery Henry

    3. Positives – It’ll be there for all to see. Everyone they come across will see that they’ve got the mark of a cheat and can treat them with the contempt that they deserve.

    Negatives – Some people might just think that they really like Thiery Henry (and Thiery Henry will have to change his gamerface!)

  3. The patch that’s due out shouldn’t be rolled out to them

    Positives – They won’t be playing the same refined game as the rest of us and therefore probably won’t be able to match up to us online.

    Negatives – They might take it upon themselves to form some kind of dog-eat-dog Fifa underworld and coerce each other to find new ways of cheating! (A bit like how Australia was formed… *I’m joking!*)

  4. Chop their thumbs off

    5. Positives – their Fifa playing abilities would be severely hampered and they wouldn’t be able to signal to their friends that everything’s OK therefore constantly making them look slightly more stressed out than they really are.

    Negatives – Illegal in most countries and the countries where it’s not probably don’t have large Fifa playing communities… (Also, someone’s bound to design an analogue stick that you can control with your nose.)

  5. Banned from the EA Servers (maybe not forever – but long enough for them to see the error of their ways)

    6. Positives – These wannabes want bragging rights and the fame of being at the top of the leaderboards. Kick them out and take that fame away altogether. A stint on the sidelines for a while will do them good.

    Negatives – Probably the most boring and predictable punishment. Anyone who cheats can’t really be a die-hard Fifa fan so will be happy just tootling off and playing Viva Piñata for a few weeks. (An Xbox LIVE ban would be better!)

  6. Include in the next update a script that e-mails a confession to the whole of their friends list admitting that they’ve cheated. (You could also include a confession that they like to wear women’s clothes for maximum effect)

    7. Positives – Another form of naming and shaming. Might have to keep their noses clean for a while to regain the respect of their friends.

    Negatives – They might actually be girls in which case their friends will probably be wondering why they’ve just told them that they like to wear clothes…

  7. Wipe all their save games!

    8. Positives – That would really upset me! Imagine the hard slog of getting Wycombe to the Prem on Legendary and then having to start all over again. Ouch!

    Negatives – Not really a punishment if they only ever play online.

  8. Reset their Virtual Pro Accomplishments

    9. Positives – They’d go back to being one of the “donkeys” on Pro Clubs. Their manager might drop them and they have to painstakingly go through all of those accomplishments again.

    Negatives – No good if they only play Head2Head.

  9. Make them play all of their online games as Accrington Stanley

    10. Positives – “Accrington Stanley, who are they??? – Exactly!”

    Negatives – We’d still have to endure them “disconnecting” after our 3rd goal.

  10. Replace any video that they upload with an episode of Gok’s Fashion Fix with the title “My favourite show”

    11. Positives – Think of the humiliation of everyone thinking you miss MOTD for a dose of camp fashion tips!

    Negatives – We might have a whole load of cheaters on our hands that know “How to Look Good Naked!” Nobody wants that…

     

How do you think EA should punish the cheaters?  Serious or not I’d love to hear your ideas!