If it’s all about the emotions this year then I want to feel like lazer guided ninja sharks just flew out of a jet engine carrying fireworks. You know what I mean.
These are 5 things you’re unlikely to find on any FIFA 15 wishlist but would definitely liven the franchise up and set my emotions racing!
1. Heads and Volleys
The staple game of choice that every footballer grew up with. Jumpers for goalpost? Probably best not, it causes far too many arguments. “That was over!” “No it wasn’t, it was below head height!” (Not ideal if you’re 6ft 4″).
Goal construction aside, how good would heads and volleys be as a side game in FIFA 15? Imagine chilling with your mates in the Arena doing keepy ups and trying to give Dave red arse because he conceded 10 in a row. (For the avoidance of doubt, red arse was a forfeit where you bent over in the middle of the goal and everyone else would blast footballs at you from a distance in a bid to knock your small intestine out through your mouth).
Start off with a quick game of one bounce to see who goes in goal then it’s all aboard the showboat. Question is, 60 seconds or classic rules? Oh and no self set ups!
Picture the scene. You need a point to stay up after a hard fought season of mixed fortunes. It’s 1-1 in the 90th minute and your opponent’s OP chipped through ball puts him clean through on goal. Your heart sinks because you know this could cost you your job managing the team you grew up supporting as a boy.
Then out of nowhere a scantily clad, buoyant young lady bounds across the pitch putting the attacker off with the glare from her bare butt cheeks. EA’s new jubbly physics technology works overdrive as she cartwheels through the penalty area.
Better yet, three coppers bundle after her tripping over their helmets (steady now). Once the ref regains composure he signals a drop ball which you manage to scramble clear saving your season and your career!
What? There’s not enough randomness in FIFA already?
Then again, if you’re really unlucky you could end up with this guy…
3. Zorb Football
This is what EA’s Impact Engine was made for!!! Throw team chemistry (and tactics for that matter) out of the window and let’s just charge into each other wearing giant inflatable orbs.
We could go back to the days when the AI was as intelligent as Joey Essex and no-one would care.
The only problem I can see with the introduction of Zorb football would be it might mess up some of the new hairstyles some of you fanboys obsess over. 😉
4. A Virtual Wag for Your Virtual Pro
When you start your career in the reserves at Grimsby Town you’re together with your childhood sweetheart, a loyal lass but unfortunately a bit of a minger.
As you progress through the ranks and move up the divisions more and more attractive girls come out of the woodwork until you reach International stardom and girl band members and supermodels are throwing themselves at your feet.
Will you stay true to your “double-bagger” girlfriend, who stuck with you even when you were loaned out to Bristol Rovers, or trade her in for some eye candy whose stilettos match your Ferrari?
Side missions could arise such as keeping her away from John Terry or negotiating how much of your wages she’s going to take after a messy divorce.
(P.S. Don’t call me out for being sexist – EA are the ones that won’t put women’s football into the game, presumably because they haven’t mastered Jubbly physics yet. Flippin’ chauvinists)
5. Match Rigging
Every now and again during a season you could be approached by overseas betting syndicates offering you big bucks to effect certain games in certain ways.
You might have to score own goals or tackle your own players to effect the outcomes of games. Or get a yellow or red card in a 5 minute window of match all whist going undetected by the authorities.
If you get found out just make sure you’ve got enough of your wages left to slip in a brown envelope to Mr. Blatter and chums to avoid facing a large ban or worse!
Imagine the Career Mode story lines that could ensue as you battle your demons deciding between the progress of your clubs and your own personal gain!
What would make FIFA 15 Awesome for you?
You’ve heard 5 additions that would make my wishlist amazing but what would do it for you?
If you could add absolutely anything to FIFA 15, no matter how unrealistic it sounds, what would it be?